Reasons I’ve been away
With my hands in the air, and my feet in two separate shoes, I humbly admit: I have neglected my blogging duties. Since I have been away, crops have failed, women have given birth to bizarre children with little seahorse heads who keep cracking wise, and Mickey Rourke finally took his library books back. Exactly why have I been so slovenly?
- I found a way to take a loaf of bread, zap it with my bread gun to make it really big, then carve a viking ship out of it, and sail around an imaginary version of the cosmos leaning over the side and engaging in cheeky back and forth banter with passing asteroids
- Following her turn as Nancy Donovan on tv’s 30 Rock, my modest Julianne Moore spank bank reached a state of chronic fullness, demanding I retire to a ramshackle shed and ‘sort myself out’; this alone took months
- Pint-sized amuser of the people Gary Coleman passed away, and unlike you soulless urbane hipster scum I actually remembered what his classic performances meant to me; I needed time to ‘deal’
- Mistakenly thought blogging was like farming, and that I needed to let my page periodically lay fallow in order to avoid the build up of pathogens and excessive depletion of soil nutrients
