Crime Vault
This month on crime vault, we present the just-released transcript of the interview between Detective Inspector Michael Schenker of the Berkshire police and Desmond Tutu, renowned local bank robber, following a recent hold-up at the Giant Haystacks Building Society in Gwent.
D.I. Schenker: We got you bang to rights, Tutu
DT: You got fuck all, copper
DIS: Not true, we’ve got the bank videos, plus the pavement artist did a massive sketch of you coming out
DT: Fucking hell, I knew I shouldn’t have stopped, but he seemed really good
DIS: I know – it’s the guy outside the chip shop who does film stars, isn’t it?
DT: Yeah, did you see his Paul Newman?
DIS: Yeah, really good
DT: I know
DIS: He also did one of Dustin Hoffman in Dog Day Afternoon
DT: I think you’ll find that was Al Pacino
DIS: Fuck off, it was Hoffman
DT: Fuck off was it
DIS: You slag
DT: And you’re supposed to be a Detective, this is sad
DIS: Who are you, Barry Norman?*
DT: No, I’m Desmond Tutu
DIS: Yeah, and you’re a slag
DT: At least I can tell the difference between Dustin Hoffman and Al Pacino
DIS: (bangs door) Constable!
Constable Cassavettes: (enters room) You called, guv?
DIS: Yeah, who was in Dog Day Afternoon?
CC: That would be John Cazale, guv. A very fine actor, as it happens
DIS: (Frustrated) Not him! The main guy! (turns to DT, points thumb at CC) Fucking hipster, this one
DT: (rolls eyes)
CC: In that case guv, you must mean Al Pacino
DT: (Triumphantly) Thankyou, constable!
CC: You’re welcome. Slag.
DIS: (pinching brow with thumb and forefinger) Well, it seems I may be wrong.
DT: Just a bit. Say, did you enjoy Tom Hanks in “Rain Man”?
CC: (giggles)
DIS: That’ll be all, constable!
CC: Guv. (Leaves room)
DT: Look, even if I was coming out of the bank, you’ve got no proof it was me who done the job
DIS: Oh dear, oh dear. (bangs door) Constable!
CC: (immediately enters the room)
DIS: Fucking hell, were you standing right outside?
CC: Yes, guv
DIS: (Looks creeped out) OK. You said we had the bank videos?
CC: I certainly did, guv
DIS: Bring them in please
CC: Er, we took them back
DIS: (Weary pause) What?
CC: They were overdue
DIS: OK, perhaps you can save me an aneurysm and explain what THE FUCK you’re talking about
CC: They had ‘Short Circuit’, ‘Commando’ and ‘Room With A View’, and they were all overdue. Some of the lads thought we might as well drop ‘em back to Dave’s Videos on the High Street. Guv.
DIS: I see. So when it was reported to me that we had ‘the bank videos’, what that meant was we were in receipt of a number of rented films, as opposed to incriminating evidence that may help us bring a dangerous criminal to justice.
CC: (Fumbles helmet and looks at shoes)
DIS: Right. Dismissed.
CC: Guv. (Leaves room)
DT: Well, here we are
DIS: Looks like I’ll have to let you go
DT: OK, I’ll be off then
DIS: OK bye
DT: Bye. (Leaves room)
DIS: (Sits on corner of interview table, lights cigarette, shakes head while looking wistfully off into middle distance) Al Pacino. Fuck me.
* Ex-Film reviewer for BBC
